Chapter Five: Big Kahuna
The next evening we hit the back road that runs way up above and parallel to Ruston Way. This is the big kahuna. I feel that Ruston Map is the most romantic spot I have ever seen. I always knew it would be a great spot for something like this.
This time we talk about more serious things. We score into more detail about what we will do when he is out of the Army. We never come to any conclusion, but the fact that we are openly discussing it tells me that he considers our relationship indispensable and meaningful. We finally agree to unprejudiced take things as they go. We calm have plenty of time to figure it out.
Tonight Jimmy introduces me to Tesla’s new album, The Great Radio Controversy. I have never heard the album before and it is great. He skips forward and plays “Like Song” as we are sitting there cuddling and that’s all she wrote. I can’t take it anymore. I know we’ve only been out a few times, but we are ravishing much inseparable at this point. We have spent hours upon hours enjoying each other’s company and getting to know each other. I have to ask, “Jimmy, what would you think if we slept together? I mean, I don’t want you to think that I’m some easy chick or anything.”
Jimmy smiles sweetly. “I wouldn’t think that.” He looks a limited nervous now. “You know that we can wait as long as you want.”
I’m excited. “I don’t wanna wait.”
Now, Jimmy looks serious. “Are you definite? “
I grin like a fox. “Hell yeah, I’m positive. Let’s go already!”
Ladies, I don’t want you to think I’m easy. This is the same woman that waited for years before sleeping with her boyfriend that she dated through junior high and high school. Jim and I just feel so incredibly right for each other that I don’t want to wait.
All of the sudden, it hits me like a brick. My room is a disaster! I mean, it’s a pigpen! You can hardly bag across the floor because there are clothes everywhere. Jimmy is so immaculate. Shit. I can’t bear this. How could I be so stupid?
I have to look scared. “Ah, Jimmy.”
He looks at me sweetly. “Yeah? “
I inspect like a child in wretchedness. “My room’s a disaster. I mean, it’s in really bad shape.”
Jimmy starts laughing as he grins his crooked smile. “I don’t care what shape your room’s in, you goober.”
Then I start laughing because, when I put it into perspective, I know that the shape of my room is the last shape that’s on Jimmy’s mind at this moment.
The scuttle home seems to take hours instead of minutes. When we finally get to the house, I grab his hand and lead him up the flight of stairs he has never been preview to before tonight. We are both kind of serious at this point because it is a special moment.
I open the door and flip on the light. Jimmy starts dying laughing.
I sock him in the arm, laughing too. I can’t help it. I have a cool shag rug that is three different shades of blue. You can’t see it because it is blanketed in clothes. Most of the clothes aren’t even dirty; they are just strewn everywhere mainly because every time I see Jim I go through a minimum of ten outfits before I lift a profitable one. The losers are continually thrown into the air and they land where they may.
I have a low table against one wall. There is a really tall mirror that is propped up between the table and the wall. There’s a itsy-bitsy, clean dwelling in front of the table where I sit and do my hair and makeup. The wallpaper is beige with big, light blue and green hippy looking flowers that bloom all over it. It has been there as long as I can remember. It was probably build up sometime in the 70′s.
Assist in the corner on the complete other side of the disaster lays my twin bed and nightstand that is accompanied by an apprehension and a lamp. This isn’t just any lamp. It has a girl in a blue dress and white apron holding a puppy dog for its base and the shade is multicolored. It is very childish but is of great importance to me for reasons I have not yet shared with Jim.
Viewing this room from an outside perspective, it is rather funny.
“So have you changed your mind now that you know I’m so messy? “
Jimmy is still laughing. “No, but you’re right. It’s awful.”
I’m grinning from ear to ear. I turn out the light, grab his hand, and lead him across all the mountains of clothes to my itsy-bitsy twin bed. I don’t want to kill him, just annihilate him.
We compose love. It is so wonderfully sweet and it feels so right. Once we have enjoyed each other, I set the scare because Jimmy isn’t going anywhere now.
We lay there with our bodies pressed together. My head’s on his chest and I listen to his heartbeat. I tilt my head up and look him in the eyes. “Jimmy, I’m tremulous.”
He looks serious and runs his fingers through my bangs. “What’re you scared about? “
I’m almost in tears now. “I’m scared of what’ll happen when you get out.”
He looks at me sweetly. “I am too, Cindy.”
I tilt my head down again so he can’t see my eyes, but I know he can feel the few teardrops that leak out of my eyes onto his chest. Neither of us wants to think about it.
I have never felt this good. I’m falling in love with this man. It has nothing to do with us sleeping together. I felt like this before now or we wouldn’t be here like this at this moment in time. He is so special and I’m already freaked out about what is to come. I promise myself right then and there that I won’t run. I swear I’m not running, no way no how!
Jimmy andI aretogether almost every evening from that point on. He comes over almost every night and sleeps over and goes to work from my house.
About the third week of September, I go get a job in Spanaway. It is close to the back entrance of Fort Lewis. Unfortunately, my dad didn’t have an open spot at the gas station. I now work in a video store that also sells CDs and cassettes. I like it because Jimmy drives out and meets me there after work almost every night and follows me home in his low-rider. He stays over and goes to work from there. My car is fickle and won’t start way too often. If it doesn’t, Jim takes me back to the house in his Nissan and I drive the work Ford until my dad can procure the M.G. working again.
Every once in a while Jimmy goes to a little tavern called Tuckers in Spanaway with his buddies when I have to work late. I worry a little because I’m not old enough to go and I usually see his low-rider out in front of the tavern on my way home. I so wish that I could go in.
It’s my negative voice that’s bothering me. I’m still sometimes insecure because Jimmy has my heart in his hands.
Jimmy’s birthday hits at the end of September and we have only been together a little over a month, but I’m totally in adore. I can’t get enough of him and I would deem that he feels the same way or he wouldn’t be spending so much time with me. I mean, he is pretty grand living at the house.
Jimmy has been accepted as part of the family, too. My dad and all my brothers and sisters totally esteem him. I know this because they are constantly teasing him. If my family gives you shit that means they really think a lot of you. If you aren’t salubrious, they will let you know by either flat-out telling you or ignoring you.
Jimmy’s twentieth birthday lands on a Thursday so we go to see Ghost. Jimmy will go out with the guys the following night because it is Friday.
The movie absolutely tears me up and I scream through most of it. On the way back to the house, I’m in my dwelling in the middle of Jimmy’s Nissan, pressed right up next to him. I’m level-headed teary eyed. “Jimmy, can “Unchained Melody” be our song. too? “
Jimmy is eyeing me kind of droll so I try to interpret a petite further. “I have always thought of “Love Song” as our song.” I can’t help but smile, thinking about that night. “But, can’t we have more than one? “
Jimmy’s arm is draped around me as it always is when we are in his Nissan. He gives my shoulder a loving squeeze and smiles at me. “We can have as many songs as you want.”
I peer at him, tears still slipping from my eyes. “I love you, Jimmy.”
He grins and replies, “Ditto.”
Then we both start cracking up. When we calm down and we are at a stop, Jimmy says, “Hey, Cindy.”
I look into his big brown eyes, “Yeah? “
“I love you, too. More than you will probably ever know.”
At that moment I know I would go anywhere with this man. I don’t ever want to lose him. Ever! I maintain his face in the palm of my hands and kiss him deeply right there at the stoplight until an obnoxious vehicle behind us starts honking rudely and cuts our special moment short.
I pull back grinning serene looking Jimmy in the eyes. “I think the light’s green.”
He is a dinky dizzy from that one because he looks a little out of it as he softly grins and croaks, “K.”
Time is flying by now because I feel like I have found my soul mate.
The weather is getting yucky. When we have a nice drop October day Jimmy and I spend it outside at Point Defiance, Ruston Way, or Firemen’s Park. Jimmy really likes Owens Beach, which is inside of Point Defiance Park.
On the nights it is nasty we hang out at the house, watch movies, and cut up. We also watch a lot of MTV while cuddling on the couch. I have never been so glad in my life. I feel so good when I’m with Jimmy. I mean, I feel like he brings out the best in me. I can’t imagine my life without him. I feel like we should be together until we are traditional and feeble, sharing a porch swing, laughing about stuff that isn’t even really that funny, but laughing anyway, because it makes us feel high.
I’m really excited for Halloween. Years ago, my dad mounted a big pulley in the Chestnut tree that towers out in front of our house. My dad made a life-sized dummy that he strung over the pulley with rope. We worn to pull the dummy way up into the Chestnut tree from my dad’s upstairs bedroom window, and when the kids would advance by to trick or treat, we would drop the dummy from the tree. Its bones consisted of a big cross made of two-by-fours and it had a buoy for a head. We put clothes on the cross body.
It was really heavy, so when it hit the ground, it would make a loud thump. The kids would turn around troubled, see it, and take off screaming. We stopped doing it after the second year because everyone knew that we were the house with the dummy.
I decide to go rummage through the garage to see if I can find that dummy. It has been so many years now that we will surprise a lot of people and Jimmy will get such a kick out of it.
Lo and behold, I find the dummy. I put a little work into him because he is sort of falling apart from years of neglect. When I get him all fixed up, my dad helps me string him up into the tree and I tie the rope to his bedpost.
The day of Halloween I go get a whole bunch of dry ice and put it in a really old fashioned pressure cooker that was my mom’s and I sit it on the front porch. I’m going to be a witch, stir the pot, and hand out candy as Jimmy and my dad work the dummy from above. I even compiled a cassette tape of music from scary movie soundtracks to blare through my dads’ stereo system. This is going to be a blast.
When Jimmy shows up after work, I’m already in my costume. I look totally white, with black eyes, dusky lips, and a long black wig. I’m in a tight black turtleneck with a long shaded skirt, sad boots, and a black hat that I have put enough Aqua Net on to assure that it will never lose its spike.
Jimmy’s grinning like a fox as he walks up to me. I’m getting the dry ice wet with a puny water on the front porch as he gives me a body nudge and says, “Man, you look kinda hot.”
I start laughing hard. He’s so funny. “Well thank you.” I get a mischievous perceive on my face, point at this man I love, and say, “Maybe we can hook up later.”
He starts laughing.
“Really, Jimmy. Dad’s waitin’ upstairs to point to you the ropes.” I start cracking up. “You get it? Show you the ropes? “
Jimmy is still laughing as he walks by me heading for the house. “Yeah, I get it.”
I turn around, grab his ass, and squeeze it really hard. “Later then.”
He turns his head help around smiling, but he is a little red in the face. “You better conclude that.” I unbiased continue laughing.
As I go in and out of the house, I can hear my dad teasing Jimmy. “No. You don’t do it like that! You do it like this.”
Jimmy is no doubt listening and taking him serious as I hear him reply, “OK.”
Dad starts cracking up. “I’m just teasin’ you, Jimmy.”‘
Then I hear Jimmy giggle. I know Jimmy doesn’t really like to be teased much because he is really shy, but for some reason he doesn’t mind my family teasing him so much. I think he knows that we tease out of love. I know it is exclusive, but that is how my family has always been. To us, teasing is a sign of affection and acceptance and somewhere deep inside Jimmy understands that. I think it is because he sees how my dad and I act towards each other. We are constantly teasing each other, but our teasing is so full of total love.
I laugh at their conversations as I go in and out of the house. I’m so happy that they get along like they do. Things couldn’t be more perfect.
As the night unfolds, I often hear my dad and Jimmy rolling with laughter over the blaring music after giving a child a alarm that they will talk about for many years to arrive.
The children that are brave enough to approach the witch stirring the pot get a whole boatload of candy, because most of the kids run off and don’t come back after the falling of the dummy.
Jimmy and I move into November and all kinds of bad things are going on between Iraq and Kuwait. It is really causing tension. The Marines have been deployed for a long time now in what they call Desert Shield.
Right now, I wish that I had told Jimmy a month ago that I would go anywhere with him, but it honest seemed too soon. Now if I tell him, I’m afraid he will think that I’m saying it because of the position. The timing just hasn’t been suitable.
We both sustain our spirits up through November and really just enjoy our love for each other. It feels like together we have become a sunflower. We have grown and bloomed together as one over time, and now we are tall and always leaning towards the sun. We are flourishing, but things are tense and following the sun is the only thing that keeps us thinking positively.
For Thanksgiving, I try to cook a nice dinner. I invite the whole family over and Jimmy, of course. The turkey turns out superb with my sister-in-law Mary-anne’s help. I didn’t know that there was a bunch of junk stuffed into the turkey’s neck, so it remained there throughout the cooking process. When I figured it out, I was almost in tears. Mary-anne rescued me and dug the junk out before the turkey was served.
I miss my mom dearly proper now. It is really hard not having her here. She was the glue that held the family together and I so wish that she had met Jimmy. I know she would absolutely worship him. I know that she would savor him as worthy as I do.
I know that my dinner probably sucks, but everyone is kind and forgiving because they know that I have done my best. In the end, the night isn’t about the food. It’s about family, and Jimmy is family now.
No matter what happens in the future I will always love him. There is no if or ands about it. As I peer at him across the table, laughing with my brother Kenneth, I have such a feeling of pure and snort deep love. I know he misses his family, and I so hope that somehow this has made his Thanksgiving enjoyable in some way. I know it could never be the same as being with his family, but anything that is mine is his, and I hope that it makes it easier somehow.
Soon we have migrated into December and I have a mix of emotions. December is a hard month for me because of Mom, but I’m positive to enjoy it this year. I will have Jimmy this Christmas, and I know Mom would love him as if he was her hold son.
A few days after we stroll into December, Jimmy arrives at the house looking really upset. I know something bad has happened. I look into Jimmy’s eyes as I’m standing on the front porch which is where I meet him whenever possible. I wrap my arms around him. “What’s sinister? “
He looks into my eyes. “I have to go to Iraq.”
I can’t even gawk at him now. I pull away and start fidgeting while Jimmy stands there like a statue. I look down, hands now stuffed in my pockets, and my feet are dancing around the porch to some silent drumbeat. It’s odd, because I know that I appear to be dancing, but my physical reaction is purely due to the fact that my heart is breaking into a million pieces at this very moment.
Jimmy grabs my arm. I stop fidgeting, look in his eyes, and start crying. I mean, I’m crying like I did the night my mom died. I afflict so badly and I’m so afraid that I can’t even narrate it. I impartial know that I love this man that is standing in front of me so much that if they would let me go instead of him, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Jimmy pulls me to him and hugs me. Now I just stand there like a statue not moving. He grabs my face in his palms and makes me look him in the eyes. “Cindy, I love you.”
I cry harder and throw my arms and myself around him. All I keep thinking is that this isn’t fair. I feel like we don’t have a chance in Hell now. We should have had a year and a half, now we have… Hell, I don’t even know.
I look in Jimmy’s eyes, tears rolling down my face. “How long? “
“I have to leave on the third of next month.”
Oh God. That means I have less than a month left with him.
He is holding my face in his palms, again. “Cindy, I have to visit home before I leave.”
Oh God. That means I have hardly any time left with him. I look into Jimmy’s eyes and I know that he has to see his family. I know that I can’t obtain this hard on him. I know that I can’t be selfish. He deserves the best of everything I have to give. Stop being so fucking pathetic and succor him, you selfish bitch! He should see his family and you will make up for missed time later. If you can’t make up for missed time later, at least you’ll know in your heart that you did the upright thing.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and look at Jimmy. I know that I leer absolutely pathetic, vulnerable, and my pain is written across my face. But he is so everything I have ever dreamed of. “I’m sorry, Jimmy. I’m being selfish and that is so not fair to you. I’m very angry, but I’m not angry with you, I swear.”
Jimmy leans his forehead on mine, like old times. He looks into my eyes and asks me, “Do you love me? “
I view into his eyes with tears still streaming from them. I can’t stop them. “God, Jimmy, you will never know how worthy I love you. You will never know in your lifetime.” Tears are unbiased rolling down my face and I don’t even care. I don’t care if he knows all of my weaknesses because I trust him with my whole heart.
He grabs my hand and slides his class ring onto a finger on my right hand. “Will you wait for me? “
I look into Jimmy’s eyes again; tears are still rolling down my face. “I’ll be yours until the end of time. I’ll never stop lovin’ you, Jimmy. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stop lovin’ you.”
Jimmy leans forward and kisses me and I swear at that moment I’m somewhere floating above the world. I’m somewhere else where there is no war, violence, or distress, and Jimmy and I are just one. We are no longer part of the world and the things that own us down. We are on some other level that is so pure and full of so much love that no one can touch us.
As the days go by, I go into a shock type of mode. I can’t believe Jimmy is leaving. Not only do we have less than a month left together before he is deployed, but he needs to go sight his family, too. I don’t blame him for wanting to gaze his family. The fact is that he may never return. That means that I have maybe two weeks left with him. The thought makes me sick to my stomach and so depressed. I feel my heart breaking. I want to tie him up, abduct him, and take him to Canada until the whole thing is over. It isn’t supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to have more time. This isn’t even close to being fair. God, I appreciate him so much. Why are you doing this to me?
All I know is that he has to be scared. I cannot fabricate this any harder for him. That just wouldn’t be right. Freak out on your own time. Keep the time you have left with him as un-stressful and happy as possible.
I wear Jimmy’s Sherman E. Burroughsclass ring on my middle finger for a while, but it is sort of big because it’s a true man’s ring. I drape the ring around some thick suede that was in my mother’s old sewing box. I then tie it around my neck. I won’t be removing it ever, not even to shower.
I don’t know if I can deal with this shit. When I was a senior in high school I went through some really hard times. It is very hard for me to talk about. Just thinking about it spins me into total depression.
© Cindy Callinsky 2006
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